• Hard Target: In an unearthed video clip, Jean-Claude Van Damme struggles to stifle a boner on a Portuguese television show. Sadly, his career remains flaccid.

• Hard times for Madonna, too: Add Guy Ritchie to those giving Madge a hard time about her handling of the adoption of baby David Banda.

• On a mission: Perhaps thanks to the formidable recruiting talents of other high profile church members, J-Lo has reportedly converted to Scientology.

• Related: American Idol runner-up Katherine McPhee decides she's just fine with her Body Thetan, thank you, and passes on Scientology.

• Sign you've hit bottom: Your ne'er do well, chain cig pullin', Henny guzzlin' FedEx is begging you to go to rehab.

• For the record, baby: In what might turn out to be a textbook case, Dead or Alive (still-alive) singer Pete Burns is suing his plastic surgeon for ruining his career and life.