Has it really been a week since Thanksgiving? While you comb over the suspect leftovers in your fridge, we're picking over a week's worth of stories. Who wants seconds!?!

• Comebacks of the week: Jeffrey Epstein, taking a break from his massage table at the Blood Diamond premiere, and former Britney Spears "manny" Perry Taylor, who's now keeping Jude Law away from the help.

• The hallowed craft of journalism took two more hits when we revealed that Hearst doesn't have a replacement for departing Seventeen brand ambassador Atoosa Rubenstein, and that Columbia students think ethics are a joke.

• Factory Girl was also undone, yet possibly Oscar worthy, and NYPD officer Mike Oliver turned out to be semi-legendary Bungalow 8 habitué "Undercover Mike." Never to be undone by anything: Lindsay Lohan, whose every night out is like a sweeps episode of 24.

• Someone read Thomas Pynchon's Against the Day while you were on the couch repeating TV catchphrases and boning up on the newest web trend: blogs for gals!

• Porn star Ron Jeremy's memoir offered a blow-by-blow lesson in auto-fellatio, and Val Kilmer treated himself to an ill-advised line of ... salad dressings.

• Michael Richards: not Jewish; Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson: not married; and Warner Twelve books: more like ten.

Bon Appétit.