• Driving while Torn: It was just a matter of time before Rip Torn realized that, by claiming said moniker, he was asking for it. We'll bite: He was allegedly ripped while driving, and now the law has torn him a new one.

• Hot trends—celebrity mythology: Now, more than ever, we're worshipping our media whores like the canonical figures they are. Why not pay them the ultimate homage by creating a contemporary mythology with Lohan, Hilton, and Spears as our most beloved fractured fairytale princesses?

• Hot trends II—celebrity apologies: Having trouble keeping up with all of the desperate pleas for redemption? Let this handy chart guide you from Gibson to Foley to Richards to ... a vampire.

• Brokeback that ass up: While filming the Adam Sandler vehicle I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, definitely-not-gay Ving Rhames refused to shoot a man-on-man kissing scene. Strange, since he's tackled sensitive gay-friendly material before in the Christmas classic, Holiday Heart.

• Petered out: Pete Doherty is nothing if not living proof that it's possible to be semi-famous, have a supermodel girlfriend, shoot lots of drugs, smoke beaucoup crack, attack paparazzi, get busted, and still get a slap on the wrist. Somewhere, Snoop Dogg is fuming.