Say you starred as the wacky neighbor on one of the most beloved sitcoms ever. The show ends, you're doing some stand-up to pass the time, and, one night, you end up saying the n-word on stage. Shouting it, actually. Repeatedly. At a person of African-American descent. And telling that person he ought to be lynched.

In other words, say you're Michael Richards. What do you do now?

1. Grovel. "The first thing he needs to do is apologize early and often," says Michael W. Robinson, vice president of Levick Strategic Communications, a Washington, D.C., PR firm that specializes in crisis management. Richards made a passable start last night, appearing via satellite on The Late Show with David Letterman to say he's "busted up" about the outburst. "I'm deeply, deeply sorry," he added.

While Richards' form left something to be desired—he twice used the outdated term "Afro-American," drawing titters from the audience—his quick response impressed Robinson, who cites a Mark Twain maxim: "A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes."

2. Explain yourself—within limits. "He's really gotta put some meat on those bones," says Robinson. "He needs to help people understand how a figure as famous as he is could've gone off the rails like this. A crisis abhors a vacuum, and if he doesn't act fast, that vacuum will fill with rumor and innuendo instead of with fact and objectivity."

Richards supplied the beginnings of an explanation on The Late Show, suggesting the tirade was an unfortunate byproduct of his creative process. "I'm a performer," he said. "I push the envelope, I work in a very uncontrolled manner onstage."

While that may be true, Robinson doubts blaming his comedic process will satisfy Richards' fans. "I don't think it will carry the day," he says. "That's not in the psychology of those who watch Seinfeld reruns. They're not going to see the Lenny Bruce or Andy Kaufman aspect of it."

3. Call for backup. After tendering his own apology, the most important thing Richards can do in the short term is get friends and colleagues—African-American ones, if possible—to vouch for him, just as Mel Gibson got prominent Hollywood Jews to defend him after his anti-Semitic rant in July. "He needs them to say, 'I don't know what happened, but that's not the Michael Richards that I know,'" says Robinson.

Jerry Seinfeld's support will go some distance toward redeeming Richards, while also insulating Seinfeld himself from any collateral damage, says Robinson. (Richards' Late Show appearance was reportedly brokered by Seinfeld, who was already a scheduled guest.) Robinson is particularly admiring of the well-crafted statement Seinfeld put out yesterday. "That's brilliantly written if you're one of the Seinfeld PR people," he says. "You're expressing your personal unhappiness. You're not passing judgment on him. It's very well done."

4. Twelve-Step it. There's been much speculation that Richards might yet follow Gibson's lead and blame his meltdown on booze. If so, Robinson says a stint in rehab might not be a bad idea. "If somebody really does have a health issue, then yes, that's a good option. But it can't be perceived as 'Well, I'll just check the box and in 21 days it'll all be fine.' It has to be perceived as genuine."

Photo: David Hume Kennerly