As the old saying goes: It's lonely at the top, especially if you live in various caves and rustic safe-houses in the mountainous region of Tora Bora. This goes for the most powerful CEOs and famous actors but is particularly true of Al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden, especially since he allegedly does live in various caves and rustic safe-houses in the mountainous region of Tora Bora. (See, there's some truth to every cliché.)

The New York Times is reporting that bin Laden and his Joe Pesci-like sidekick/enforcer, Ayman al-Zawahri, are facing their toughest foe yet in their global reign of terror: Obsolescence. Mark Mazzetti writes that a study by the United States Military Academy may mean bad news for the gruesome twosome:

In what's billed as the "first systematic mapping" of an ideology sometimes called jihadism, the Combating Terrorism Center at West Point has found that Mr. bin Laden and his deputy, Ayman al-Zawahri, have had the same influence on jihadism that the Singing Senators had on Republicanism—they're seen more as propagandists than strategic thinkers ... And while the two Qaeda leaders have released a flurry of video and audio messages to their followers over the past year, the study found that the scholarly work of a group of Saudi and Jordanian clerics—most notably Abu Muhammad al-Maqdisi, a Jordanian—is more likely to influence the next generation of Islamic militants.

Does this mean curtains for bin Laden and Zawahri?

Not without a fight, it doesn't. What follows are five tips to help retain bin Laden and Zawahri's vice grip on Al Qaeda and ensure they don't slink off like holy war Willie Lomans. None of these suggestions should be deemed as support or free consultation for America's sworn enemies since, if they use any of these, we want to get paid.

1. Rally the base
No one is doubting that you have diehard supporters willing to follow you into battle, but there remain others who are still on the fence and need some convincing. You need to reach out to the so-called Soccer Muhajadeen and Reagan Jihadists who may have strayed by using a wedge issue. Try suggesting that al-Maqdisi supports gay marriage, which would infuriate the crazies while simultaneously playing into the ignorance and fear of the moderates. Then kick it up a notch by claiming he also supports gay polygamy.

2. Salvaging the brand
Let's be honest: your videos suck. Badly. You think you're impressing anyone with those badly edited camera-phone dispatches? You're not. Try hiring Hype Williams for a slicker, more impressive production. If it's frights you're after, get the director of this spot. (He could probably use the work.)

3. Ubiquity
Now that the base has been built and the image is improved, it's time to get out there. We're thinking a series of subway ads with pictures of hardworking jihadis with the slogan "ON IT," just like those for Con-Ed. By reminding people that you are out there, always working, always planning, you'll have a huge impact. You're also gonna want to hire a good publicist (think Pat Kingsley) to get you into all the parties and onto Page Six so no one ever has to wonder, "Hey, whatever happened to bin Laden?"

4. Control the story
It's time to take charge of the narrative. Stop letting journalists and the United States Military Academy define you. Make a big merger or impregnate a young actress and marry her in order to show that you—and no one else—is in control of your destiny. You're not a joke: You need to remind the world of that. People used to be scared of you, and they will be again. Oh, yes, they will be again....

5. Kill everybody
When in doubt, just kill everybody. Every-fucking-body. You know you want to.