• Dear Sweet United World, I'm sorry, baby. I wasn't myself. I was out of control, drunk with nuclear power and likely a bit buzzed on aerosol hair products. But that's not me, mama. Give me another chance, sugar. Lift that embargo, and let your daddy show you he's the man you need him to be. Love, Kim Jong Il.

• Osment like Mel, minus Jew-bashing: 18-year-old Haley Joel Osment pleads guilty to misdemeanor drunken driving and marijuana possession charges three months after being pulled over in his '95 Saturn and gets three years probation. For those keeping score, he got off much rougher than Michelle Rodriguez, who served 27 minutes of her 60-day jail sentence, but almost exactly the same as Mel.

• Away from The Office: Now that there's far fewer people around to come up with good ideas, NBC decides to program more reality and game shows, semi-abandoning the sitcom and hour-long drama. This means more Deal or No Deal, less thinking.

• Trick or defeat: The Washington Post expects that the Bushies will switch their Iraqi policy, from losing to getting out. The biggest clue: The Pentagon admitting defeat in its strategy for securing Baghdad.

• Top of the Pops: Britain has been named as the most likely Al Qaeda target. Not surprisingly, terrorism funding black holes Omaha and Louisville were left off the list.

• Not-Dr. McDreamy likes Dr. McDreamies: George from Grey's Anatomy, actor T.R. Knight, is gay. Once again, People solidifies its place as the pulpit for closet-exiting celebs.

• Spreading horror: According to new testimony before the House Ethics Committee, Ted Van Der Meid, House Speaker Dennis Hastert's counsel and floor manager, was briefed years ago about a "problem group of members and staff who spent too much time socializing with pages outside of official duties"—only one of whom was Mark Foley. That, again, is a group of members.

• Choose your own perv adventure: Wired.com demonstrates how, using basic nerd knowledge, one could catch a MySpace predator. Do we need more Xavier Von Ercks out there?

• Old wounds: Human bones—arms, legs—have been found in a manhole at Ground Zero five years after 9/11. Says a widow: "The fact that they were found in Ground Zero says there was some major, major shortfall in the recovery effort." To be fair, these remains were more hidden than the last rooftop discovery.